1) This is a common screen on your phone:

photo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) This is your God. Watch him and gain comfort that your life isn’t as bad as you think:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image – ITV.com

3) This is your new bank:

Jobcentre-plus-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4) This will be your sole source of creativity – absorb it and learn all it has to offer:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image – Slide Wardrobes Direct

5) Your days will either be spent speaking to recruiters with a fake cheery disposition or contemplating a drastic lifestyle change:

Snip20141125_1

 

 

 

 

 

 

6) You promise yourself you will wake up at 7.30am to get ahead with applications – instead you are seduced by this saucy minx:

Bed Blog post

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7) The pain when an employer outlines a salary that not even a peasant could live on:

 

 

 

 

 

Image – Cover Junction

8) When you make a spelling mistake in a Covering Letter and realise after its been sent:

Regret (1)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image – Cover Junction 

9) Your reaction when friends think you shouldn’t attend after work drinks because you don’t have a job:

Beyonce

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image – The Core Reader

10) Your biggest obstacle in getting a job will not be your degree, your work experience or that D grade in GCSE Spanish but this:

Netflix

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hang in there, you’ll land something soon. If not, the tribe is always on the look out for new members.

UnLearn 101

 

So recently I ordered ‘Unlearn 101: 101 Simple Truths For a Better Life’ and apart from being a great read it’s packed with thoughts to make you feel what all good books should…happy.

Check out my top ten, and I bet you will find at least one quote from the list below to make your day better…

  1. “Focusing on yourself is really one of the least selfish things you can do.”

  2. “No one will ever know you better than yourself. No else should have the power to define you more than yourself. Seeking approval from others allows them dominion over your identity.”

  3. “Often, our biggest obstacle in life is simply ourselves.”

  4. “In 90 years you’ll be dead anyways, what do you really have to lose?”

  5. “Money is a made up concept, but everyone’s playing along.”

  6. “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, and celebrate your evolution.”

  7. “I try my best never to play victim because there’s no empowerment in feeling like one.”

  8. “There’s no such thing as normal. You are who you are.”

  9. “Don’t bind yourself by the expectation of others; it’s not their story to write.”

  10. “Don’t act like you’re better than anyone and don’t act like anyone is better than you.”

 

Want to read more? Find Humble on Twitter Facebook , YouTube, Instagram and his website.

Just call me Freud because I can decipher your thoughts…

  1. “We should do lunch sometime”

I wouldn’t dine with you if I hadn’t eaten for twenty-three days straight and Gordon Ramsay himself prepared the meal.

  1. “We should do drinks”

This is an empty gesture, as I have no interest in having a drink with you. Not now, not ever.

  1. “I love your hair”

Oh God! What have you done to your somewhat acceptable hair? Change it back immediately.

  1. “That baby is so cute!”

That baby is hideous. Evolutionary theory suggests that a child is the best possible combination of parental genes, what a DNA pool of shit.

  1. “Sorry I missed your call”

I watched your incoming call ring out and slip into the murky world of voicemail. Please stop calling me, I don’t actually like you.

  1. “I’m like 5 minutes away”

I am on the other side of the country and I have no intention of keeping our meeting. I will feed you this excuse until you get the message.

  1. “I don’t really miss him/her anymore…”

I cry myself to sleep over the loss of what may be the love of my life.

  1. “No worries”

It’s time to start panicking. In fact I think I’ve already had a mini heart attack.

  1. “It’s cool, seriously”

It’s not cool, and I hate you with the passion of a thousand burning suns.

      10. “LOL”

I didn’t laugh once. Seriously, not even a smirk. Your comedic efforts fail to impress me.

11. “I’m just popping out for one drink” 

I plan on drinking until I am forcibly removed from the premises. Preferably with a stolen coaster dashed in my underwear.

     12. “I’ve got such a jam-packed weekend ahead”

I don’t plan on showering as I am too consumed by a Netflix marathon.

     13. “I had one too many last night”

I positively drank enough alcohol that I am breathing out toxic fumes, I may be turning into a dragon.

     14. “Lets leave that for now”

Lets never revisit this topic again.

     15. “I cannot wait!”

Please don’t make me participate. I just want to sit on the sofa with a plate of melted cheese and Netflix at my disposal.

     16. “These things happen”

These things happen because you’re a buffoon and caused them to happen. They only ever happen to you, or around you.

     17. “Make yourself at home”

I have installed secret cameras and counted how many bags of Doritos I have. You are being watched and judged.

   18. “No thanks, I’m on a diet”

I am waiting for you to turn your back so I can eat everything in sight. Judge me, judge me harder.

     19. “I’ve got a headache coming on”

I am in perfect health; I just cannot be bothered for your bullshit.

 20. “I’m having the best time ever”

I have never been more miserable in my entire life.