Just call me Freud because I can decipher your thoughts…

  1. “We should do lunch sometime”

I wouldn’t dine with you if I hadn’t eaten for twenty-three days straight and Gordon Ramsay himself prepared the meal.

  1. “We should do drinks”

This is an empty gesture, as I have no interest in having a drink with you. Not now, not ever.

  1. “I love your hair”

Oh God! What have you done to your somewhat acceptable hair? Change it back immediately.

  1. “That baby is so cute!”

That baby is hideous. Evolutionary theory suggests that a child is the best possible combination of parental genes, what a DNA pool of shit.

  1. “Sorry I missed your call”

I watched your incoming call ring out and slip into the murky world of voicemail. Please stop calling me, I don’t actually like you.

  1. “I’m like 5 minutes away”

I am on the other side of the country and I have no intention of keeping our meeting. I will feed you this excuse until you get the message.

  1. “I don’t really miss him/her anymore…”

I cry myself to sleep over the loss of what may be the love of my life.

  1. “No worries”

It’s time to start panicking. In fact I think I’ve already had a mini heart attack.

  1. “It’s cool, seriously”

It’s not cool, and I hate you with the passion of a thousand burning suns.

      10. “LOL”

I didn’t laugh once. Seriously, not even a smirk. Your comedic efforts fail to impress me.

11. “I’m just popping out for one drink” 

I plan on drinking until I am forcibly removed from the premises. Preferably with a stolen coaster dashed in my underwear.

     12. “I’ve got such a jam-packed weekend ahead”

I don’t plan on showering as I am too consumed by a Netflix marathon.

     13. “I had one too many last night”

I positively drank enough alcohol that I am breathing out toxic fumes, I may be turning into a dragon.

     14. “Lets leave that for now”

Lets never revisit this topic again.

     15. “I cannot wait!”

Please don’t make me participate. I just want to sit on the sofa with a plate of melted cheese and Netflix at my disposal.

     16. “These things happen”

These things happen because you’re a buffoon and caused them to happen. They only ever happen to you, or around you.

     17. “Make yourself at home”

I have installed secret cameras and counted how many bags of Doritos I have. You are being watched and judged.

   18. “No thanks, I’m on a diet”

I am waiting for you to turn your back so I can eat everything in sight. Judge me, judge me harder.

     19. “I’ve got a headache coming on”

I am in perfect health; I just cannot be bothered for your bullshit.

 20. “I’m having the best time ever”

I have never been more miserable in my entire life.

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