Just call me Freud because I can decipher your thoughts…
- “We should do lunch sometime”
I wouldn’t dine with you if I hadn’t eaten for twenty-three days straight and Gordon Ramsay himself prepared the meal.
- “We should do drinks”
This is an empty gesture, as I have no interest in having a drink with you. Not now, not ever.
- “I love your hair”
Oh God! What have you done to your somewhat acceptable hair? Change it back immediately.
- “That baby is so cute!”
That baby is hideous. Evolutionary theory suggests that a child is the best possible combination of parental genes, what a DNA pool of shit.
- “Sorry I missed your call”
I watched your incoming call ring out and slip into the murky world of voicemail. Please stop calling me, I don’t actually like you.
- “I’m like 5 minutes away”
I am on the other side of the country and I have no intention of keeping our meeting. I will feed you this excuse until you get the message.
- “I don’t really miss him/her anymore…”
I cry myself to sleep over the loss of what may be the love of my life.
- “No worries”
It’s time to start panicking. In fact I think I’ve already had a mini heart attack.
- “It’s cool, seriously”
It’s not cool, and I hate you with the passion of a thousand burning suns.
I didn’t laugh once. Seriously, not even a smirk. Your comedic efforts fail to impress me.
11. “I’m just popping out for one drink”
I plan on drinking until I am forcibly removed from the premises. Preferably with a stolen coaster dashed in my underwear.
12. “I’ve got such a jam-packed weekend ahead”
I don’t plan on showering as I am too consumed by a Netflix marathon.
13. “I had one too many last night”
I positively drank enough alcohol that I am breathing out toxic fumes, I may be turning into a dragon.
14. “Lets leave that for now”
Lets never revisit this topic again.
15. “I cannot wait!”
Please don’t make me participate. I just want to sit on the sofa with a plate of melted cheese and Netflix at my disposal.
16. “These things happen”
These things happen because you’re a buffoon and caused them to happen. They only ever happen to you, or around you.
17. “Make yourself at home”
I have installed secret cameras and counted how many bags of Doritos I have. You are being watched and judged.
18. “No thanks, I’m on a diet”
I am waiting for you to turn your back so I can eat everything in sight. Judge me, judge me harder.
19. “I’ve got a headache coming on”
I am in perfect health; I just cannot be bothered for your bullshit.
20. “I’m having the best time ever”
I have never been more miserable in my entire life.