Dating in general confuses me.
But what is even more confusing are ‘dating guides’ – those annoying little tid bits of information written by ‘love experts’ (read unpaid interns) telling the general population how to perform a funky ritual in order to get someone to mate with you. Joy.
Today is a normal Sunday (minus a hangover – YAY) and I’ve come across an interesting ‘dating guide’ in The Metro which tells all those with a vagina what they ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY SHOULD NOT DO ON A FIRST DATE.
So obvs I read with baited breath to learn what I shouldn’t be doing and I was disappointed. The article smacks of stereotypes and bullshit. Instead of covering actual important things like:
• Don’t accidentally kill your date.
• Don’t try to use your Blue Peter badge to get money off the bill.
• Don’t bring up that one time you stole money from the schools Children in Need collection.
It tells us not to LOSE OUR FEMININE SIDE and COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR FRIENDS TOO MUCH.
The article can be found here and it contains 17 life changing points but I’ve picked out my top 10 and given my version of advice.
1. Article says: “Don’t laugh at our joke if you don’t find it funny. We can tell and it makes us feel worse.”
I say: If his joke is shit, tell him it is shit. In fact tell him that it is SO SHIT that you’ve been to funerals that were more amusing.
2. Article says: “Don’t mention your parents. We don’t want to have to consider the terror of meeting your dad until at least date three. It really is a scary prospect for us so give us time.”
I say: Harp on about your parents CONSTANTLY. Bring up the time your dad punched the ice cream van man for not giving you a flake in your ice cream.
3. Article says: “Don’t lose your feminine side. We all love a bit of banter but we are attracted to you because you’re a woman so trying too hard to be one of the lads can be a bit off putting.”
I say: firstly LOL. Secondly who doesn’t love a bit of BANTZ? Anyways I reckon you should talk about the monster poo you had before you came on this date. Then discuss in length your bowel movements, and the time you were ill in Egypt and shit yourself in the desert on an excursion. YOLO.
4. Article says: “Please don’t spend more of the date on your phone than with me. Although we have expected that you might want to Instagram your meal.”
I say: Explain that you’re on your phone because you’ve hacked your ex-boyfriends iCloud and you are seeing what his exact location is, so you can determine who is having more fun right now.
5. Article says: “Don’t spend ages being overly glam. There is such a thing as too much make up. The majority of us prefer the natural look and nothing is as sexy as confidence in your own skin.”
I say: Seeing as there is a focus on the ‘natural look’…show up in your onesie, hairy legs, greasy hair, no bra and with baked beans sauce dried around your mouth.
Also please Mr Article Writer make us feel bad for wearing make up. It’s a choice we do for ourselves, not to impress you.
6. Article says: “Don’t tell us to order what we feel like then get a salad from the starters after we’ve just asked for a rump steak. It’s ever so awkward.”
I say: Order whatever you like, in fact order one item of everything on the menu. Then confess loudly how you are 100% having a massive poo when you get home.
And actually what I find ‘ever so awkward’ is a male writer assuming that females will go for a meal and order just a salad? Presumptuous much?
7. Article says: “Don’t think it’s sexist that we offer to pay the bill. We genuinely are trying to be nice and gallant and not trying to undermine your gender. You can pay next time.”
I say: No thanks, I wouldn’t want the salad that you ASSUME I will order to push you into your overdraft.
8. Article says: “Let’s not have sex on the first date. Many guys claim it’s what they want but those of us looking for a relationship want to get to know you (ALL of you) slowly and enjoy every savouring moment.”
I say: What is wrong with sex on the first date? You could go your separate ways after 1 date or 100 dates. Sex isn’t the determining reason, and you’re a dick if you think it is.
Also please don’t write things like this because whether you wish to admit it or not you are just passing judgement on women who are making a choice about their sex life, or sex-capades as I like to call it.
9. Article says: “Don’t ask us about our previous girlfriends. If they were so important at this time, they’d be sitting opposite us. This date is all about you.”
I say: Bring a notepad and ask for details on every single ex, and then confess that you will spend the evening after this date stalking them on Google and Twitter.
10. Article says: “Don’t be afraid to give a compliment (but only if you mean it). We like someone mentioning our appearance too.”
I say: Tell him he looks like your ex – and then show him how you’ve pinpointed his location on your phone.
Hope you enjoyed the dating advice…let me know which one you prefer!